Poetry On My Cupboard Door

I am walking out in the rain
And I am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again
And I am getting nowhere with you
And I cant let it go
And I cant get through
And the old womyn behind the pink curtains
And the closed door on the first floor
She is listening through the air shaft
To see how long our swan song can last
And both hands
I will use both hands
Oh no, dont close your eyes
I am writing graffiti on your body
I am drawing the story of how hard we tried
How hard we tried
And I am watching your chest rise and fall
Like the tides of my life
And the root of it all
And your bones have been my bed frame
And your flesh has been my pillow
I've been waiting for sleep to offer up the deep
With both hands
And in each other's shadow we grew less and less tall
And eventually our theories couldn't explain it all
And I'm recording our history on our bedroom wall
And when we leave the land lord will come
And paint over it all
And I am walking out in the rain
And I am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again
And I am getting nowhere with you
And I cant let it go
And I cant get through
And both hands
Please use both hands
Oh no, don't close your eyes
I am writing graffiti on your body
I am drawing the story of how hard we tried...

[Disclaimer: this poetry appears on my cupboard door, has been there for long, I have no clue who the poet is, if you do then please let me know :)]

Stranded in Chicago...

And I begin moving again... After a two day break at Chicago, I find myself suddenly richer in experience and much more confident and at ease.

I remember making my diary entry as the bus pulled off the East Lansing Amtrak Station, two days back . I remember writing how scared I was at the idea of trying to cover half of the US all by myself, after all I was still a stranger in a strange land, an unknown eastern face, a girl who though had crossed the seven seas to reach out for her dreams was yet skeptic of her own abilities, the one who was a descendant of the fearless warriors of the far lands and yet without a personal identity as of now. But today many things have changed, that girl suddenly found a new faith in herself or was it the fact that she found a new love and comfort in her new surroundings and fellow beings she considered strangers till yesterday.

True, I had been on a soul searching journey with the natives a few days back (Upper Peninsula trip) but then this was different, I had no protective friends, no people I knew who traveled along, everyone I would meet on this journey would be a stranger and I knew that. But the fear does not come from the fact that one is traveling alone but from one is not confident if he will be able to accept the strangers one meets on the journey as his own and will they accept him return. There are times when we forget that all humans whatever region or religion they are from are first and foremost humans, whatever their upbringing they still have the same humane values, they respond to the same emotions, they love the same expressions of love and affections. If one is good to the other then unless there is something profoundly wrong with the other he responds with goodness. I too had forgotten this principle but was suddenly reminded of it a day ago.

I remember being too relieved to reach the small, dimly lit, East Lansing railway station. I had had a few upsetting events the night before, adding to my anxiety, and all I wanted now was to leave the city as soon as possible. The station doors where still closed, a few people stood at the small entrance, it was not very warm yet we were fortunate enough to be in a closed space, not directly facing the snow storm. An old lady in her red jacket, waiting impatiently for the station guard to come and open the doors, too polished, not very happy to be standing outside the station so early in the morning. Three trendily dressed Chinese girls, boisterous, and happy bursting into a laughter at intervals, checking their eye makeup every now and then. A family, with two small kids and a girl standing aloof, not very happy with her surroundings and impatient to get on the train and leave.

The station master came at exactly 7, and opened the doors, I got my tickets but we were also told the train we were supposed to be on had not still left Chicago as it had broken down on the way yesterday and was not expected to arrive before 9. A bit concerned yet not disheartened we all perched ourselves on the seats in the small room that comprised of the railway station. There wasn't much that gave us any chance to entertain ourselves. A chips and coke vending machine. Another ticket counter for the Greyhound Bus Service and a few new paper stands. People starting filling the small place soon, all anxious about the absent train.

We were then told that the train wont be able to make it thanks to the amazing weather and the storm, he told us that the Amtrak had instead arranged for buses from the Indian Trails that will reach in 15 mins or sooner. People lined up at the doors so that they might waste on time on getting into the bus and be on their way to wherever. But as the old english saying goes, a hotpot never boils, and then started a wait that only ended well past 10:30, our direct bus to Chicago had finally reached the station, I think by then I very well knew that I wont be able to catch my next train from Chicago to Dallas that departed in less than three and a half hours later, but till then I did not know that Chicago was not in the same timezone as Lansing and was an hour behind us, but this would have changed much except giving me a false hope that I might somehow be able to make it to the train. By the way Chicago is around three and a half hours from Lansing.

But everything that could go wrong went wrong within those three and a half hours making the journey five hour long. Traffic, snow, swift cold winds, a few accidents. We all needed to catch some or the other connecting train but all hoped that the trains were late enough so that we could be on them. But by the time we entered the city I knew that my train had left without me. Reaching the station all I needed to do was to ask the passenger help desk as to what my options were. A long queue of passengers stood infront of the help desk, felt like everyone had started from their homes and got stranded at this one hub. After atlease an hour when I got my turn to get to the help desk the lady decided to take a break, haaa... I thought this only happened in India. She took her own time and came back after ten minutes by this time I had decided that come what may I am not going to halt my journey, I will keep moving towards my destination come what may but then as they say at times haste makes waste. The attendant offered me three options. Returning back to Lansing, which was totally out of question, as I was totally frustrated with it, and then my house mates too where not home. Second option was to stay in the city for a day and continue my journey the next day at the same time. I dont know why but I decided against it too. May be I did not want to stay along in the stormy place.

Oh by the way, I forgot in the hysteria to write about my first impressions of the city. It now I had only seen a few small cities, towns or establishments around Michigan that were rather small, colorless and not very much like what US of America was in my mind. But it was all here, as I entered the downtown, tall skyscrapers stood all through the horizon of the city, I had seen pictures of building standing so tall that their higher stories rise above the clouds. This was the first time I even saw it. Concrete structure looming so high that they touched the clouds, some of them with their pinnacles invisible due to the cloud cover. People in the most fashionable attires, tall beautiful women striding up and down, oh by the way I think I even spotted an actor that acted in Prison Break series. And hustle and bustle of a city teeming with life. This was America, and more of it was to come.

Anyways I refused to stay back in the city even though I was been given a free stay, a free cab to take me to and from the place. I can be a dumb head at times. And then the third option, to move on in bus. Hmmm... I asked the lade if she could find out if there was a bus leaving today for my destination, 'Oh yes', she beamed, 'At 6:35pm if I were you I would leave asap'. I took the six dollar bill and my ticket refund and rushed to catch a taxi, so many of them right infront of the station, in the blizzard. Anyways, I somehow reached the Greyhound bus station, relieved to enter the building and still having enough time to get a ticket and hoping that the bus wasnt already full. But fate had something else in store. And as I entered the bus station the attendant announced that all south bound buses had been canceled due to the bad weather. What the f$@#!!!

For once I couldn't find myself standing on my feet, this was the first time I was in this city, I knew not a soul here, I had cancelled my train ticket and so going back wouldnt have helped, and there was no bus or train to anywhere not even going back to Lansing. My phone batteries were dieing soon, and I had only time enough to make some phone calls and let my friend at Dallas know that I was stranded in Chicago and do something to get me out of here, hotels were not an option as it was Christmas and everything will be either booked or very expensive, Internet is an amazing thing, so power, my friend could tell me exactly what things were going to look for next two days, the temperatures were going to go further down, and so there would no buses even the next day and no trains where available, we tried finding other routes to Dallas but nothing seemed to work out and then it occurred to me that there was no way out!!!

I remembered chatting with one of my lab mates 2 days back, he had mentioned, for no reason I had pinged him and asked where he was, he was in Chicago. And so I dialed his number, he had left Chicago an hour ago but he could ring up to his friend and see if she could keep me with her for a few days. And she said – Yes.

She rang me up by then my phone was taking last breathes, she told me she would be seeing me at the bus station in 45 mins and we hung up. My phone was dead, I went around and could fortunately find a charging point, I plugged in and caught hold of my Dallas friend, we booked my ticket to Dallas a day later, till then I would have to stay in Chicago but okay, well nothing else could be done right... So be it.

I was still on my Dallas call when she rang me up, 'Blue jacket, brown hair, I am waiting for you near the station entrance.' I gave her my quick description of how I looked knowing that I was good at being unable to locate people. And even as we were talking I saw her, she greeted me with a warm 'How are you', and all I could reply was 'In a bad shape'... and she gave a sweet hug, only I knew how lucky I was to have found her. She was a God sent.

Temperature outside was about -17 degree Celsius, a snow storm was on it full swing, thousands of travelers were stranded in the city and at such a time I suddenly found some relief in this little girl. She was a sweet girl. She told me she was from UP (what I coincidence). I told her about my house trip to UP and then about my amazing house and it even more amazing 21 inhabitants. She laughed at my stupid jokes, and before long we were talking our way to glory. After that as they say everything was history. Of course she gave me a roof, food, and a nice bed, but her friendliness and love made me feel blessed rather than stranded.

A fashion designer in the making, she loves babies, and came from a family of 12 siblings, she told me how her mum was so loving and how she would want to have a sweet household some day. She gave me an insight about the American culture and what was viewed as a norm and what was a stigma. And yeah finally I had my first cup of Starbucks coffee. The long talks, the fun and the feeling that she wasn't very different from me, her family values and mine were pretty much the same, I told her about my perfect man, I dont know she was amused by my immaturity, but yeah, it was wonderful knowing Lydia.

We parted at the Amtrak station with a gripping hug and I know it was very earnest when I wished we would meet again. I hope she finds success, love and that perfect family. Wish her all the best in life.

As for me I am sitting in the train, enroute Dallas. I rang up to my Dallas friend, and the first thing he said was 'Dont tell me that you missed your train again'. Its Christmas today and though I am alone, I feel I am not. 'Vasudev Kutumbakam'...

The Gang

People who know me know how terrific and how terrible i am when it comes to friends. Terrific, because i more often than not love them with all my heart and terrible, because sometimes i am both over-possessive and over-protective of them. Generally the maximum amount of time i ve stayed in the same city as my friends is 1 yr, 2 at most but even as i move on with life in a different geographical location, i usually stay in touch, enough to know their whereabouts and at times even their daily activities if not hourly.
This post is dedicated to my most recent group of friends, who brought in a lot of love, fun, stupidity and adventure in my life. In fact i dont think it will be blasphemous to say that they were the most spicy and crazy guys i had ever met. Together we made the 'Square of Trust'. Manajit, the fun-loving, intelligent, smart ass. Bolin, the Rock star, the lover of heavy metal, the cool creative dude, but his flight usually needed two runways for take off (sorry Bobo). Saurabh, he is the silent killer, sharp but simple, the one who will love you but will never say it. And then there was me, the gal of the gang, butt of most of their stupid brainless jokes, the silent sufferer and yet the most pampered and spoilt one.
Frankly, i dont know what brought us together, a bad sense of humour, cigarettes, our laziness or a good deal of misfortune... may be all of the above ;).
Gathering in the office balcony for a quick smoke and laughter, going to La Casa every Thursday for those long chats on weirdest of topics (probably some people will kill me if i make the audacity of listing them here, so pardon me). Working late hours, devouring pizza and 'anda-bhurji' at the Yellow Fields. Playing stupid games, aim being not to win but to not let others win... and yeah CRIBBING (i know this is not a word, just an expression for 'compaining' but somehow i like it), we were all master complainers, we would do the job eventually but not without complaining about it all the while.
We stayed together for 1 whole year, fooling around, getting drunk, being stupid, sharing exciting and embarassing moments. Like the day when i ordered the "third from the top" drink on the menu of Legends of Rock called 'Orgasm', to Bolin renaming me as Rani, to Saurabh having a mysterious "cousin" (read: companion in sin) to Bolin forgetting directions and always loosing his way around the city. And then there were days when Manajit would teach me how to write code, clean, beautiful and easy to understand (i will probably write more about his teachings somewhere else). Ah!! they are so many that even trying to list them here is impossible.
Sometimes i feel we were a weird mis-matched group (i being probably the biggest outlier).
It is tough for me to try and sum up my feelings for each one of them, but even if i try... Probably , Manajit to me was not just a friend but also a mentor and a guide, his compliments made me feel proud of myself and yeah there were seriously embarassing moments when i used to write the stupidest of code and he would get so furious about it. But i will definitely commend him for being my one stop solution to everything, my GPS, my wikipedia and yeah, my drinks-advisor ;). i remember telling him one day that i could trust him with my life and that still holds,... He is one person who will never let you down if you let him take charge of you, but yeah be careful as to not hurt his ego, he is an egotist to the hilt... but what the heck the guy deserves to be it.
Saurabh... ummm.. of the three he is the one whom i love the most, he is my junior-tech-guru, he is the epitomy of patience, was always there to tell me that 'I could'. Always there to listen, never to judge, always to encourage, never to leave you alone. The most sensible and sober of us all and seriously no one can win at an argument with him, he has can hit the nail right on the head.
And last but not the least Bolin, i was the youngest in the Gang but mentally Bolin is the most kiddish one. Never a dull moment with him around. But hell i have had quiet serious discussions with him so dont you think he is only jokes and nothing more. The guy loves his golden retriever 'Vader', he loves heavy metal, cars and bikes and has a emotional range of a tea-spoon ;) (he will kill me if he ever reads this blog)
I moved to US few months ago and haven't seen them since, we still get online and group chat or exchange short mails and phone calls often, i miss them a lot, and i miss all that mindless fun and profound talk sessions, and that is one of the reasons for making this lengthy blog entry. I wish i could leave on a profound note but instead i will let them add one if they happen to get to this page ever...
Miss you guys
Love ya all...
Rani :P

Lake Michigan, ya!

Yooopieee!!!

It all began with the Bower house trip, 10 kids, adventurous and sporty, and as i soon discovered friendly and lovable, set out on a trip to the upper peninsula. It was supposed to be a 5 day trip, in which we explored the northern and colder part of the state, we would camp, make music, participate in winter sport, enjoy snow. For me the trip meant, getting to know my house mates better, strike some new friendships (that i was unable to at Bower thanks to my amazingly busy grad-schedule), experiencing their family life and knowing their culture, challenge nature (i was going to a cold place in the coldest part of the year) and yeah, conquer my fears, try to find some meaning in my life in the woods... to sum up - Explore.
It was a good enough goal to start with, but i think i got more than i expected.
Warm welcome in the freezing winter, 'Sangriya' and a fire, lengthy talks ranging from topics like ecological imbalance to god and religion and robotics, parents participating in their son's musical composition, a hunter sharing stories of how he killed a deer who's head hung on the wall in the dining room, caring friends skiing slowly beside me as I slid or rather kept falling up and down the slopes of Tawas city, pure laughter filling the warm dining table at Marquette, or people huddled in their sleeping bags in the living room of a good hearted hostess. I experienced the music that came out of so many various instruments from all over the world and transcended all boundaries, a river so frozen that even the thought of falling into it made me tremble, the beauty and harshness of nature and the will of man to defy it, the love of a young girl for her hometown, the camaraderie between old school friends, a dad making sandwiches for his son's friends and guys and gals reading poetry to each other. Skiing, sledding, trekking, falling(for me), people cheering for things while high on booze and bonhomie...
We all shared the love and the bliss of the peninsula, and I remember feeling like a family by the end of the glorious 5 days. Thank you UP and UPers of making the whole experience so so special.

Chronicles of a Traveling Soul

Vaasudev Kutumbakam, a centuries old Sanskrit phrase that sums up the idea of the whole world being one family, or in modern terminology globalization, and that was exactly what i experienced during my winter break this year. Unable to go back home in the vacations was unacceptable and may be that became the reason for me wanting to completely utilizing the 30 days of my free time, exploring the new country i was slowly getting to be a part of.

First the UP (Upper Peninsula and not Uttar Pradesh) and then Chicago to Dallas, my trip across the States was slowly turning into an overwhelming cultural experience; it was as if i was on my way to discover the hospitality and diversity of the American culture, The West.
Having been born and brought up in a family that conformed to modernities of the west and yet believed firmly in the traditional values of the east, i have had a very unbiased upbringing. My parents have taught me to be open and independent yet respect the boundaries of my culture and family; though i was usually allowed to decide for myself where i would like to draw the line there were a few parental influences too.
But what does one do when he suddenly finds himself in a land that is portrayed as entirely opposite and completely different from his roots. Well, i will say, ideally he Explores... because we are one family - the family of Vasudev, the family of Krishna, the family of Christ, the family of God, and so what better way to know your brethren across continents but exploring their culture and their social beliefs and norms.
Being a eastern girl all i knew about the western culture was through the media and through some friends who had been here. I knew west was about money, big cars, busy lifestyles, heavy metal, freedom of expression and thought, and yes cleanliness and good education for us foreign nationals, but i also knew that behind all this advances there was a dissatisfaction, a need for cultural identity, a need for responsible relationships, a less hectic lifestyle and a more quality life.
Was west all about materialist possessions? Was it really the Wild Wild West? Well i was going to soon discover it.